Publication: Los Angeles Times August 20, 1948
Image sourced from Wikimedia Commons.
Hi Everyone!
It has been a VERY long time.
What can I say? Life kept throwing curveball after curveball after curveball!
Oh, you’ve been there too?
I won’t list the curveballs that began even before the pandemic. Let’s just say they eventually led to a major transformation in my life, a transformation that came about through one action: healing childhood trauma.
The Metamorphosis
After the stress and upheaval of 2020 I found myself in the worst place of my adult life. It was time to make big changes. I opened my heart to possibility and discovered the most amazing and transformative online class by Lisa A. Romano. I started in January 2021, and entered into what I now see as “the chrysalis stage.” Before, I was an always-reactive, always-struggling, mostly unaware, and, in fact, juvenile caterpillar-person, going along, doing the same things day after day, year after year, decade after decade. The dream of wings was within me, but I could never find activation
Since that 12-week course ended a year ago this month, I have continued to grow and to change and to make realizations.
Many of those realizations have been painful, but I face them, I shed the tears, and I learn the lessons.
(Because if you don’t learn the lessons, you will repeat them; that, my friends, is guaranteed!)
And now, finally, I am beginning to emerge from the chrysalis, at age 60, into a new life.
(I have made the joke that my new name is “Old Butterfly.”)
For the first time since childhood I truly love and accept myself. And I am feeling the truth: I DO HAVE WINGS.
I have gained clarity on everything. WHY I kept repeating the problems in my life, WHY I felt stuck.
Along with this transformation came a big realization. It was time to honor my heart.
This included making a commitment to honor a lifelong dream to do three simple things: 1) live in the country; 2) grow my own food; and 3) write.
The place I’m heading to soon (for now) is Western North Carolina, to the rural life I have dreamed of, literally, since age 30. Last summer I found a journal from my 30th year, my first year as a new mother. In the journal entry I wrote about the world around me, how I did not like where I was living. I wrote down exactly what I wanted (see 1-3 above!)—and then, as caterpillars do, I forgot. I went back to being a caterpillar. Huh. Is that why the caterpillar in Alice in Wonderland smokes a hookah?
“The Caterpillar’s crucial first words, ‘Who are you?’ induce Alice to begin the processes of reclaiming her own identity and deciding who exactly she is.” (from Footnotes, Carlton.edu)
I had suppressed my dreams for 30 years. Yes, I wrote. Yes, I grew a garden (in the city) and, yes, I grew a little food…but it was all done in a caterpillary-way. Not fully. Without WINGS!
When I read that journal entry, saying exactly what I wanted most deeply in my heart, I burst into tears. Tears because of the length of time I had been sleeping. Tears because I didn’t know how to awaken until now.
The most vital part of transformation is taking action. Andy and I bought a cabin in the North Carolina mountains in November of 2021. We’re still working on relocating from Colorado Springs permanently. I’m determined to be there this summer.
(It is not an easy matter, packing up 40 years of one’s life!)
This is the place Andy found. Take a look! My mini-farm is on its way, but this home is perfect for now!
I’m certain that I’m entering the best phase of my life.
Now, on Moving to Substack…
There is so much I want to share. The adventures I’ve had so far, new friends, major dreams beginning to be realized.
One of the many changes I’m making is moving from WordPress to Substack. I will finally monetize my writing the way it should have been done many years ago. Flora’s Forum will become Greenwoman.
I’m also going to be publishing a second Substack newsletter (just now, I decided to name her Old Butterfly). This publication will explore what I’ve learned during the last year and a half about healing childhood trauma. Healing trauma has changed everything in my life for the better, but it goes far beyond me. I truly feel this healing is the key to transforming humanity.
There was I time when I was so stuck I didn’t know what the future could hold. So I just worked on holding on to what I had.
Now I am healed, focused, and trying out those beautiful wings!
There are so many things that I (by golly!) am learning to do, doing, and WILL do.
The eleven years of Flora’s Forum posts will be transferred. I’m still figuring out what I’ll offer those who can’t afford a subscription. I discovered yesterday that the lowest cost per month and per year that Substack allows you to charge is $5/month or $50/year. (Substack gets 10%.) I wanted to create a subscription cost of half that amount, but it’s not possible. Maybe it’s a good thing. I’ve been influenced by a “poverty mindset” mostof my life.
For those who do not wish to/or who can’t support my writing through a subscription, there will be some free posts, but I have decided that it’s high time, after being a writer for over 30 YEARS, to honor my work the way it should be honored.
This is my last post on Flora’s Forum which will be up, I believe, until May 2.
I hope you’ll join me at Substack!
I am EXCITED to share my new life with you and I hope you will be there to share yours with me.
With all the love in the world,
Sandy
P. S. If you’re not on my mailing list and would appreciate an email after I’m up and running at Substack, contact me here: maefayne(at)msn.com
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